What I Learned From Breaking Off My Engagement

The response you usually get when you say you broke up, let alone that your engagement ended - is to be pitied.

Most people want to offer their condolences and comfort you as if it’s sad.

And sure, it probably is for a lot of people…

But I don’t need any of that.

In fact, I want CELEBRATION.

I’m not here to tell you a sad story. I’m here to show you liberation at its finest because while I am a hopeless romantic, the novelty of an unwavering love had me compromising on my worth, my truth and basic human decency.

Though it was a HUGE decision to make, it turned out to be the BEST decision that I have made. I’ve never felt more alive, more free, and more certain of who the f*ck I am.

Though we look at traumatic events with sadness, I look at this whole experience with gratitude. Gratitude for the lessons, for the strength I’ve gained, for the confidence I’ve adopted.

Though I subconsciously knew A LOT was wrong with the relationship I was in, and would have told ANYONE ELSE to leave, I didn’t realize how bad it was until I decided to cut the f*cking cord altogether and stop giving chance after chance.

Because trying to be a forgiving, nice person was only keeping me at the hands of someone else’s addiction, emotional abuse, physical threats and mental manipulation.

Society often forgets that it’s a MILESTONE to walk away from unhealthy relationships or relationships that don’t serve you, period.

We are so attached to the idea of love, that we often forget that not all love, is good love…

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Up until this point, I didn’t think I was going to write about my experience. I usually try to keep talking about my personal life to a minimum on the internet.

I’m a very private person but I felt my experience is valuable to share, if not for any other reason than to inspire others to leave the relationships and environments that are unhealthy and toxic because I wish someone would have told me about the subtle red flags and abuse, not just the obvious big ones.

I want to give courage to those who are questioning. To not be blinded by rose tinted glasses and see things for what they are.

I don’t know if I’m ready to share EVERYTHING. I will try to keep this post to a minimum on details but I do feel called to share some lessons I learned.

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November 2023, I ended my 5 year relationship - the last 6 months of the relationship we were engaged.

On the outside, you would have thought the relationship was great. After all, a picture only shows half the story.

This relationship was the embodiment of EXTREMES.

I got the worst from this man - he had alcohol addiction, gave me physical threats and emotional abuse while also highs such as adventure, traveling, dates, support with my goals and life visions.

It was a WHIRLWIND to say the least. 2 months ago I realized, I stayed with him blinded by the idea that he just acted abusive and aggressive when he was drinking, only to finally wake up and realize - IT WAS JUST A PATTERN AND DUH NONE OF IT WAS OK. (Yes, an extreme came up and I could no longer choose to put myself through this).

One night in November after a HUGE fight, I light bulb went off - I didn’t want to commit to anyone but myself. ESPECIALLY NOT TO AN UNHEALTHY MOTHERFUCKER who acts like IM the problem for not “getting over the abuse”, but that’s another story for another time (maybe).

Once I made this decision, my life, my energy, suddenly started to get so much better. Everything felt clear.

So there are the major lessons I’ve learned:

1. Don’t regret loving the ‘wrong’ person

For awhile, I felt a lot of shame for staying in the relationship - even when I was committed to him.

I KNEW BETTER than to let anyone treat me the ways he did at times, but I was so attached to the ‘good’, that I didn’t validate myself for the bad I experienced with him. I would’ve told anyone else to leave, but I didn’t and tried to stay & forgive. Not because I didn’t see my own worth, because ya girl has always, I just decided to be more compassionate towards the “addiction” he had and tried to help.

Through the shame of staying with him, I’d say things like “I wish I would’ve never stayed this long”, “I regret wasting half my 20s with him.” Ultimately I felt like a hypocrite because here I am, teaching others to live a better life and I was here ignoring MAJOR red flags to try and be helpful.

But then I realized: someone’s shitty behavior doesn’t mean YOUR love is stupid, it makes them a fucking idiot. And YOU are not stupid or a hypocrite for being at the hands of someone else’s abuse while trying to remain in your heart center.

Anyone who doesn’t appreciate the gift of love you give them, the trust, the openness, the forgiveness - is someone who doesn’t deserve a second thought. Period.

YOUR love is not the issue, THEY are. They don’t deserve the power to regret operating in your truth.

2. listen to your intuition, it isn’t lying, they aren’t the person for you

Like I said, I KNEW many times I should have left but kept letting him apologize and swear he was getting help, while blinded by him being supportive of my goals and our adventures.

At the end of the f*cking day, trust your gut. If it whispers to you, not it - listen.

When you know, you know. Intuition isn’t fear - REMEMBER THAT. Intuition is that subtle voice telling you yes or no.

It’s not from others convincing, it’s from deep down in your stomach.

When it comes to relationships and marriage, baby, better to be cautious than throwing caution to the wind in my opinion.

3. 1 time is a mistake, 2 times is gray area & 3 times - ITS A FUCKING PATTERN.

I can’t tell you what you should think is right or wrong in your relationship, as you have to define your standards, but I will tell you my opinion.

NO FORM OF ABUSE IS OK NOR SHOULD IT BE GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE. I don’t give a fuck what the excuse is and I am SOOOO adamant about that after my experience. The manipulation that comes from it is like a black hole that keeps sucking you in.

I promise you, if they’ve done it once THEY WILL do it again.

Outside of that, any slip up, once is a mistake, 2 is a gray area up to you but 3 times, baby that’s who the fuck they are showing you they are - believe them.

Don’t give too much benefit of the doubt, most people are showing you how theY handle conflict, anger, trust, etc the first time - they don’t need another chance.

4. No matter how smart you are, you still have some blind spots

I have read so many self help and spiritual books, studied psychology and neuroscience, have a good relationship with God and STILL was blinded by the red flags.

Just because you miss a red flag (or many), doesn’t mean that your intelligence is in question, it means you’re human.

And no matter how much you educate yourself, you will STILL be human. It’s ok to have seasons of your life that are ones to learn & grow from.

5. A relationship is nothing without trust

In my opinion, once trust is broken, it’s broken - ESPECIALLY when it betrays such a sacred part of you. Like I said, I tried to stay and work on it because I can acknowledge someone’s changed behavior, but truthfully, when someone fucks with your values - ITS OVER.

Again, this is just my bias opinion but a truth I learned. I’ve listened to many tapes on the idea of repairing trust and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what others say, YOUR VALUES ARE YOURS AND THEY NEED TO BE HONORED.

Trust that is broken, is far and few that can be repaired. TRUST IS EVERYTHING.

Emotional trust

Physical trust

Trust in intimacy

Trust financially

TRUST IS A PILLAR FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

6. Break ups don’t have to be dramatic

I did decide to end my break up after a dramatic fight, but the decision and after was not. I was calm & surprisingly so was he.

Our lives were intertwined SO MUCH, financially, spiritually, physically, there was a lot of decisions that had to be made when making the decision (and it’s still in the process of separating).

When you decide someone isn’t for you, you don’t have to go off the fuckinng rails. Trust me I wanted to extend all my anger for the 5 years of continuously pushing down how I felt about shit - but in reality, what is that going to do? NOTHING.

Two people can be an adult, sit down and talk about what is happening.

No, you can’t control others reactions, but you can control yours. And anyone who doesn’t appreciate & cherish your love, DOES NOT deserve your energy. Let the universe work out the Karma.

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That’s it for now.

For anyone struggling with the decision if they should go or leave - if you have to keep asking the question: LEAVE.

I used to believe in sticking it out with someone, but after deciding to end my engagement after trying to work through someone else’s addiction, emotional immaturity and then putting me in fucked it solutions - I now believe that this societal idea of commitment has us committing to the wrong kind of people.

Love shouldn’t have to cost you your worth, sanity, desires and happiness.

Until next time,

Xx,

Anita Amon